


Knock Knock

by TheWorldIsYou13



Category: Take That (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-28
Updated: 2015-12-28
Packaged: 2018-05-10 02:07:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5564893
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheWorldIsYou13/pseuds/TheWorldIsYou13
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One knock on Robbie's hotel room door in the early hours of the morning is the catalyst he needs to realise his true feelings for Mark.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Knock Knock

It had been that knock on his hotel room door that had stared all this. Just that one knock had kick started a process which should have started twenty years ago, now he thought about it. But, as it were, it was that one knock, in the middle of the night, that had meant Robbie found himself in the middle of a process he knew he could not hide from.

The process, you may ask, was this: the process of falling in love with his best friend, Mark Owen.

And this time, there was no escaping.

...

Robbie awoke to the sound of a quiet tapping on his hotel room door. He groaned, rolling over and catching a glimpse of the time from the clock by his bedside table: _02:00._ What did anyone want from him at two in the morning?

The tapping stopped and Robbie wondered if the person on the other side had gone back to bed, realising that what they had gone to the trouble of getting up for was, in fact, unimportant. However, that only lasted a couple of seconds before the tapping resumed once more.

Robbie groaned in a mixture of annoyance and frustration before forcing himself out of bed and towards the door. He was not in the mood for this right now and he had half a mind to tell the person to fuck off before they could say their part.

Well, that was until he realised who was on the other side and the state they were in.

On the other side of the door stood Mark, a blanket wrapped around his small frame making him appear more vulnerable than Robbie had ever seen him.

“Mark! What on earth are you doing here?” Robbie asked looking down at his friend whose eyes, he had also noticed, were red and swollen slightly – a clear sign that he had recently been in tears.

With his red eyes, Mark looked up at his friend. However, he said nothing and the only sound that eventually escaped from him was a small hick-up sob, his shoulders moving up at the effort.

In an attempt to try and hide the tears falling from his eyes, Mark put his hands up to his face but, before he could, Robbie pulled him into a hug and held his friend who, by now, couldn’t force the tears back any longer.

“Hey,” Robbie said, rubbing circles on Mark’s back to try and calm him down. “What’s the matter? What’s wrong?”

It took a while for Mark to answer but, when he did, Robbie struggled to hear him through the mass of tears.

“It’s all too much, Rob. I’m not ready for this.”

“Hey, come on, come in.” Robbie reluctantly let go of Mark and led him towards the bed, shutting the door and turning on the bedside lamp as he did.

Robbie then sat down on the bed and gestured for Mark to do the same. Mark was clearly reluctant, probably feeling bad about the whole thing, but he eventually sat down.

Putting an arm around his friend as he sniffed back the tears, Robbie asked Mark why he was thinking it was all too much. He already knew the answer, of course; it wasn’t that long since Robbie had been feeling along the same lines as Mark right now.

“I just don’t think that I’m ready for all this. I thought being distracted might help but the last year has been so difficult that I just don’t think I can handle it right now.” Mark explained, his eyes teary as he lent into Robbie, wanting a hug.

“I know, Marky, I know. But you’ve come this far, you can’t give up now.” Robbie told him.

Mark sniffed before replying: “Does this get any easier?” He asked and Robbie could honestly say that he felt his heart break at that. He hated seeing Mark so broken. He was doing all he could to help Mark through this but, at times like this, he wished he could do more.

“Yes Mark, it does.” He eventually replied. “It’ll take time but it’ll be alright in the end.”

Mark looked straight at him then. “You promise?” There was a desperation in Mark’s eyes that Robbie had seen all too often over this last year. Thankfully, Robbie was certain of his answer.

“Yes, I promise.” Robbie said and Mark seemed to relax somewhat. “But you have to promise me something, too.”

Mark looked up at him quizzically.

“You have to promise me that you won’t give up, even when things get hard, because that’s the only way that my promise to you can be kept.” Robbie explained.

For a moment, Robbie wondered if Mark was going to reply as he stayed silent for what felt like ages. However, he eventually nodded and Robbie heard the faintest of ‘okays’ escape from between Mark’s lips.

“You’ll get through this, Mark and I will help you as much as much as I can. You won’t be on your own.”

For the first time since knocking on his door, Mark smiled at Robbie. It wasn’t a beaming smile full of light and happiness but a smile which was full of thanks.

“Thank you,” Mark said quietly, breaking the silence. “I better be going now.” Mark made to get up but Robbie gently placed his hand on Mark’s arm in order to prevent from leaving.

“Hey, come here; you’re in no state to go back on your own.” Robbie told him.

Mark looked at Robbie. He had been quick to stop him, Robbie thought, but he knew Mark needed someone with him tonight.

“Are you sure?” Mark asked. His voice was now slightly raised; it was clear that what Robbie had suggested had shocked him slightly.

“Yes Mark, I’m sure.” And he really was. It wasn’t just the fact that Robbie knew Mark needed someone right now that had made him come to his decision, he wanted Mark to stay. He wanted to wake up knowing that Mark was with him and that he was okay. Mark needed someone tonight and, quite frankly, Robbie wanted to be that someone.

Mark stayed quiet for a short time, contemplating the idea of staying, it seemed. Eventually he spoke, looking directly at Robbie.

“Thank you.”

Robbie smiled at him and lay back down, moving over so there was more than enough room for Mark to lie down next to him.

Clearly, Mark hadn’t realised quite what Robbie had meant when he said stay and so just looked at him for a moment until Robbie understood why.

“Mark, lie down. You can’t stay like that all night.” Robbie said, patting the space next to him in encouragement.

“Alright...” Mark was clearly unsure about this, but lay down anyway.

Although the bed was a double, there wasn’t much of a gap between the two of them once Mark had settled down.

Robbie looked across at Mark, frowning. He could see that he friend was tense and wanted nothing more than to get him to settle down properly.

“Mark, relax already. Why are you so stiff? It’s not like we’ve never shared a bed before.” Robbie stated, hoping that it would be enough to get Mark to settle.

“I know, it’s just... well... I feel like I’m being a burden on you.” Mark admitted, turning slightly to face Robbie.

Robbie studied Mark’s face for a moment, trying to work out what could possibly be going on inside his friend’s head right now, before moving so he closed the gap between himself and Mark.

“You are not a burden on me so don’t think that. You never have been either and you never will be. I care about you a lot, Mark.” Robbie told him with complete honesty.

“I still think I’m putting a lot on you tonight. Maybe I shouldn’t have come in here in the first place.”

“Mark, seriously, stop thinking like that. You’re not putting anything on me and, frankly, I’m glad you came into me. The last thing I want is for you to start bottling things up again; you want to progress not regress.”

“New album title, that.” Mark smiled a watery smile as tears formed in his eyes again and Robbie couldn’t help but let out a small laugh.

“Who knows, eh?” Smiling sympathetically at Mark again, he brushed a hand through the smaller man’s hair. “Come on, why don’t we try and get some sleep now?” Mark nodded and gave Robbie a small smile before finally settling and closing his eyes.

For a moment or two, Robbie lay and watched as he friend drifted off into sleep.

…

The next morning, Robbie awoke with his arms wrapped around Mark, holding him to him. He looked peaceful asleep, but Robbie knew that Mark was likely to be feeling a bit down after the conversation they had had last night. He might try and put on a brave face, but Robbie knew Mark too well now to know when he was trying to pretend he was okay.

He knew they had to be in a number of places today and he knew that Mark would still want be at all of them, no matter how much Robbie could try and tell him that he really needed was to stay here and get his mind in order. After all, there was no use in presenting yourself to an audience if you weren’t feeling right.

It then occurred to him that he was going to either have to tell the other lads what was going on, or he was going to have to come up with some great excuse as to why Mark wasn’t quite himself and why he had landed up in his room (because, let’s face it, they were bound to find out some way or another).

Knowing that he had to wake Mark up now so they could both get ready for the day, Robbie looked down at him again, still asleep with his head against his chest. As much as he knew it didn’t seem right to admit it, Robbie didn’t want to wake up his friend and was actually perfectly comfortable where he was. Had this been any other normal day, Robbie could have lay there for hours, just watching Mark sleep against him, not having to worry about anything or having to be anywhere within a certain amount of time.

 _What am I thinking?_ Robbie thought. _He’s my friend. I shouldn’t be thinking of things like this._

Shaking the thought out of his head, Robbie swiftly began to start shaking Mark gently. Mark stirred, but took a moment or two to open his eyes. When he had, he didn’t seem too surprised to find himself practically lying on top of Robbie. However, he still moved quickly and refused to look his friend in the eye.

“Sorry, I didn’t…” Mark trailed off as he spoke quietly.

“Hey, it’s alright. No harm done.” Nope none at all. In fact… No, bad Robbie, don’t go there again. “You feeling alright?” Robbie asked as Mark sat up and wrapped the duvet around his shoulders.

“I don’t know,” was Mark’s ever-so-quiet reply. At least he wasn’t try to lie his way out of this, Robbie noted, thankful that Mark wasn’t trying to hide his feelings from him.

“I know we’ve got places to be and interviews to give today, but you don’t have to do them if you’re not feeling up to it. I’m sure if we tell the others…”

“No, I don’t want them to know that I practically had a breakdown last night. I don’t need to bother them with this as well.” Mark said. It was the clearest thing he’d said since being awake and Robbie knew that Mark meant what he said.

“Mark, I honestly think it’ll be better for you if you don’t participate today. I’m not saying you can’t come with us. Look, we can always tell them that you’re feeling a bit unwell. They don’t necessarily have to know exactly what happened, although I think that would be for the best.” Robbie told him.

“No, I want to do them. I have to. I can’t keep letting people down.”

“You’re not letting anyone down. If you don’t feel right, you don’t feel right.”

“Still, I feel I have to.”

Robbie sighed, knowing that there was no way he was going to get Mark to back down. He was stubborn and Robbie had learnt, years ago, that there was no point in arguing with Mark once he was set on something. You just had to let him do it and if it worked, it worked, if it didn’t, it didn’t.

“Alright, look, do the interviews but if you start to feel down or you feel as though you can’t handle it, tell someone and you won’t have to do any more. I’ll tell the others you don’t feel too great today – I won’t tell them about last night – and we’ll take it from there. Sound fair?” Mark nodded, knowing that the only way he was going to stop Robbie from going on about this was if he agreed to this compromise.

Robbie knew, however, the likelihood of Mark actually telling anyone if he felt he couldn’t go on was slim. But he couldn’t say he hadn’t tried. He was just going to have to keep more of an eye on him.

…

Somehow, Mark had managed to perk up as the day went on. Robbie had kept an eye on his – as had the others, who, although didn’t know what had happened, knew that what Robbie had said about Mark feeling ‘ill’ wasn’t the exact truth. But for Mark’s sake, they never questioned him or Robbie about it.

They had just finished their last interview of the day and were now on their way out and heading for the cars that waited for them. Outside, were the usual crowd of fans who were eagerly awaiting for them to come out of the studio. Jason, Howard and Gary went through first, making their way through the crowds of people who were gathered, signing autographs and taking pictures as they made their way to the car that awaited them. However, just before Robbie was about to do the same, he noticed that Mark was no longer directly beside as he had most of the day. Stopping, Robbie turned around to see Mark stood a little way back from the door, out of the sights of the hundred or so people beyond the doors. He looked the most nervous he had all day. This wasn’t the first crowd they had come across throughout the day and Mark had been fine when dealing with the others. In fact, he had seemed to be himself, happily signing autographs and taking pictures with fans. It was only because Robbie had been with him all day that he could tell that the smiles were fake. None of the fans would be able to tell. But now, Mark almost looked scared. He was as pale as anything and really didn’t look as though he could be dealing with that many people pushing their way through to him as he and Robbie walked out the doors.

“Mark, you okay?” Robbie asked, walking back over to where his friend was stood.

“I don’t know, I just don’t fancy going outside. Isn’t there another way out?” Mark asked.

“No Mark, the car’s waiting for us outside, we have to go out this way.” Robbie told him. “What’s the matter? You were fine earlier. Or, at least you seemed to be coping okay.”

“It’s just there are so many people out there. I just can’t… I just can’t go out there.” Mark was close to breaking down and so Robbie wrapped his arms around him as soon as he realised that Mark was about to break down and pulled him closer to him. Mark didn’t wrap his arms around Robbie and kept his arms close to his chest, letting them be trapped between his own body and Robbie’s. He felt protected like this.

“Hey, calm down.” Robbie whispered in his friend’s ear. However, Mark didn’t seem to listen and just continued to cry in Robbie’s arms. “Look, we don’t have to be out there long, but we need to get back to the hotel. Now’s not really the time to be having a breakdown, Marky.”

“I’m sorry, but everything…” Mark trailed off as he tried to control his breathing and the sobs that still escaped his lips.

“I know, I know, you don’t have to explain yourself to me, Mark. I know exactly how you feel.” Robbie said. “But you need to calm down and you need to get yourself to the car.” Robbie sighed before continuing. “Look, I don’t like it when you force a smile or anything, but unless you want to start people thinking that you’re not okay you’re going to need to try and put on a smile.” Robbie told him. “I know you can do it, because I’ve seen you do it a million times before.”

Mark eventually pulled away and wiped his eyes, trying to get himself as calm as he could before looking up at his friend.

“Okay?”

“No, but I’m going to have to be.” Mark admitted. “Just give me a minute, yeah?”

“Don’t worry, we’re not in any hurry.”

As Mark tried to prepare himself to go out into the crowd, Robbie could honestly say that he didn’t really know what to do. He wanted to give Mark another hug considering his best friend still looked a little upset and shaken, but he knew that wouldn’t help. So instead, he stood awkwardly waiting patiently until Mark announced that he was ready to face the crowd outside.

He didn’t have to wait long, mind. Mark had quickly managed to get himself into a position where he felt brave enough to deal with the people who were still eagerly waiting for him and Robbie to appear.

“Right, I think I’m ready. Can we not be out there too long?”

“Of course not, just head towards the car.” Robbie said. He took hold of Mark’s hand, almost self-consciously, giving it a tight squeeze in reassurance as the two of them made their way to the door. Robbie let go of Mark’s hand as he opened the doors, allowing the noises of the crowd to fully be heard.

Giving one more quick glance at Mark, noticing the redness still in his eyes, the two of them stepped out and started to push their way through the crowd.

Every so often, Robbie looked back at Mark and saw that he seemed to be doing okay. He was signing autographs and taking pictures – the fans had no idea what he had been like moments ago. It amazed Robbie how Mark could go from feeling downright nervous to acting like there was nothing wrong at all. It amazed him, but also worried him.

Eventually, the two of them made it into the car. Allowing Mark in first, Robbie climbed in the back, sitting next to his friend, before shutting the door, giving one last wave to the gaggle of fans who were still taking pictures even as the car door shut.

As soon as it had shut, and their driver had started moving away, Robbie heard Mark breathe a sigh of relief. He looked over at him and noticed his change in mood.

“You okay?”

Mark just nodded, but didn’t say anything. Robbie didn’t expect him too, either, and just put a hand on Mark’s shoulder, giving it a gently squeeze.

Mark looked up at Robbie then and gave a small smile before leaning over and allowing his head to come in contact with Robbie’s shoulder. Robbie, of course didn’t object and wrapped his arm around Mark, holding him tightly before pressing a kiss to his hair. It meant nothing – of course – just a way of letting his friend know that he was there for him.

But when Mark shifted in his arms, almost as if he was trying to get as close to Robbie as he could while being tied down by the seat-belt he was wearing, Robbie couldn’t ignore the fact that his heart seemed to flutter.

…

That night, Mark stayed with Robbie again, having asked nervously if he could to which Robbie could not object. He knew Mark had had a rough day and was more than happy to let his friend stay with him again for the night.

It was then that something appeared to change. Without really noticing what had happened, they stayed together on most nights when they were out in hotels. Even on the days they weren’t and were at home, Robbie would offer to stay with Mark at his, not wanting to let his friend out of his sight.

Mark had since managed to pull himself together as the build up to the tour came about. They all had noticed it, but Robbie had noticed more than anyone after having seen the state of him coming into the hotel room that night a few months back. Since then, it was as though Mark was really getting better.

Eventually, the night before the first show came about and to say that nobody was feeling the pressure of having to pull this off was an understatement, if there ever was one. The pressure all five of them felt was huge. This was the first time they had performed together, on tour, in well over a decade. It was a massive moment for people, so the pressure was on for them to give them what they wanted.

“Hard to believe tomorrow’s when it all kicks off.” Mark said as he joined Robbie on the sofa in the bar area of the hotel, putting his orange juice on the table next to his friend’s diet coke.

“I know; it’s come ‘round pretty quick.” Robbie looked closely at Mark, studying his friend’s expression. “You alright?”

“I think so,” Mark replied. “I don’t really know. It’s a mixture of emotions for me this. I honestly didn’t think I’d get this far and there’s still a part of me saying that I can’t do this.” He sighed and picked up his drink, Robbie watching him all the while. “Still, can’t back down now, we’ve come this far.”

Robbie continued to look at Mark for a few moments, watching as he took sips of his orange juice. For some reason he couldn’t (or didn’t want to) explain, his heart ached as he watched Mark, yet he couldn’t force himself to look away. It’d been a feeling he’d had since that night Mark had knocked on his hotel room door, but he still couldn’t come to terms with what all this could mean. Things had been difficult enough lately and Robbie didn’t need this coming into play on top of everything else. But yet, he couldn’t tell himself to knock it off and to stop feeling this way – whatever this way was.

“I’m proud of you, you know.” Robbie said eventually and Mark looked directly at him as he put down his drink.

“What?” Mark asked.

“I’m proud of you.” Robbie repeated. “You’ve been through so much and yet here you are just over a year later, about to go out on the biggest tour you’ve ever done. When this sort of stuff happened to me all those years ago, I could never have done anything like this. I’d’ve run away; given up; locked myself in a room and isolated myself from everyone.”

“I’ve wanted to do that on several occasions, though.” Mark stated.

“But you haven’t and that’s why I’m proud of you.” Robbie told him. “You’re a much stronger person than you think, Mark and you’re ten times the man I ever could be.”

“Rob… that’s not true.” Mark said. He looked his friend in the eye, subconsciously taking his hand into his own. “You too are stronger than you think and you’ve proved that on so many occasions. To come back after everything you’ve been through and face people you’ve barely seen in years, knowing that things might be awkward – now that’s something to be proud of and something I could never do.”

“Maybe because you never have a bad word to say about anyone; whereas I couldn’t keep my mouth shut for a time – a long time.” Robbie looked down ashamed and Mark moved closer to Robbie, wrapping his arm around his friend’s shoulder.

“Doesn’t matter; not anymore.” Mark told him. “Listen, all that counts is where we are now; not where we’ve been. I think it’s time for both of us to stop living in the past and start looking towards a much brighter future.”

“Come here,” Robbie said. Mark smiled, unwrapping his arm from around Robbie’s shoulders and allowing himself to be pulled into the arms of his best friend. It was one of his favourite feelings, this, being held by Robbie. He was confused as to how it made him feel and why his heart fluttered every time, but it was a nice feeling; one which Mark never wanted to lose.

“We staying together tonight?” Robbie asked after a moment of silence.

Mark was silent for a while before he lifted his head up slightly so he could look at Robbie properly. “I don’t know, Rob. Maybe we should stay on our own tonight.”

Robbie looked at Mark. He was shocked, especially since it had been something they’d done for months now.

“Mark, is something wrong?” Robbie asked him, fearing that he might have done something in order to upset Mark.

Mark shook his head, but Robbie knew there was something up. “No, I just think it’s better that we actually use our own rooms for once. You know, the management has paid for five rooms, so we might as well use them. Besides, we’re not a couple so I don’t really know why this has gone on as long as it has. I came into you that night because I was close to having a break down, I’m better now, so I feel I can stay on my own.”

“You sure you’re okay?”

“Yes, Rob, I just said.” Mark said, sitting up properly then, leaning back into the sofa.

“Alright,” Robbie sighed and glanced at Mark quickly before looking down. “Look, I’m going to head off to bed now, so I guess I’ll be seeing you in the morning.” He stood up, looking down at Mark as his friend looked up at him.

“See you in the morning.” Mark gave a small smile to which Robbie returned; he didn’t want to let on that he was somewhat disappointed that Mark didn’t want to stay with him. He had become so used to it that going back on his own, knowing Mark was literally through a wall, felt strange. But like Mark said, they weren’t a couple; just two friends who had happened to decide to go about sharing a bed whenever they met up. Of course it wasn’t going to last forever. If it was then they…

Robbie shook the thought out of his head as he headed down the corridor towards his room. As he approached the door, he gave one quick glance back at Mark, who was still sat on the sofa, orange juice in hand.

Robbie knew something was up, he just couldn’t figure out what it was.

…

Jason wasn’t the best sleeper at the best of times, but considering the day they were going to be having tomorrow, his sleep was worse than normal.

Knowing that he might as well have a wander round in order to calm his overactive mind, Jason made his way down the stairs and into the bar area of the hotel. He wasn’t planning on getting a drink or anything, but the sofa was comfy and the décor around the room was peaceful and calming – quite a juxtaposition considering it was a bar.

As he walked through the door, he noticed someone still sat on the sofa. Looking at his watch, Jason wondered why there was still someone up and alone down here at nearly half one in the morning.

He walked nearer and soon recognised the back of the person’s head. In many ways, it wasn’t surprising to see him down here.

“Mark, you alright mate?” Jason asked as he sat himself down next to his friend on the sofa.

Mark looked at him, startled at first, but he soon calmed down. “Jay, you nearly gave me a heart attack. But yeah, I’m alright, I guess.” He answered.

“Then why are you down here on your own? It’s half one in the morning.”

“I’m just thinking.” Mark replied, looking down at his empty glass which he had been holding for God-knows how long.

“About what?” Jason asked. He could clearly see that something was bothering him. Mark was fairly good at hiding what he was feeling, but since rehab, people had been able to detect when something was wrong that little bit easier. Either they had got better at noticing when something was wrong, or Mark was beginning to tire of the whole faking act.

“I dunno… everything, I guess.” Mark shrugged. “Starting the tour tomorrow, Rob----“

“I thought you were happy about Rob being here?”

“I am! It’s not about him coming back to the band or anything; it’s more personal than that. It’s…” Mark trailed off, not wanting to say anymore, but Jason could see where this was going.

“It’s about how you feel about him, isn’t it?”

“How did you…?” Mark looked up at Jason, startled almost. How did Jason know what this was about?

“How did I know?” Mark nodded, he was suddenly feeling very vulnerable with the knowledge that he feelings weren’t exactly private, it seemed. “Come on, Mark, you may be good at hiding certain things, but when it comes to how you feel about Rob then…well…you’ve never been subtle.” Jason gave Mark a small smile.

“How long have you know?” Mark asked timidly.

“A while now. I’ve always had my suspicions, but it was when Robbie came back just over a year ago that I really started to notice. Plus, the fact that you’ve been sharing a room with him for a while now kind of gave the game away.”

“I don’t really know what to do.” Mark admitted.

“Tell him?” Was Jason’s suggestion. Mark, however, just shook his head quickly.

“No, I can’t just tell him. He already thinks I’m vulnerable at the moment, if I tell him how I feel, he’ll think it’s because I need someone to rely on. But it’s not.” Mark looked down, wanting nothing more than for this conversation to just be over now, but also knowing that he couldn’t just get up and walk out of the room. “Plus, there’s no way he feels the same.”

“Just try and find the right time to tell him; I think you’ll be surprised at the response you get.” Jason patted Mark’s leg affectionately before standing up from the sofa.

“Anyway, why don’t you head off to bed? You can’t sat down here all night long; not when we’ve got a show to do tomorrow.”

Mark nodded, but waited until Jason had left the room before standing up and making his way towards the door and up towards his own room.

For a moment he considered knocking on Robbie’s door and asking if there was any chance that Robbie wouldn’t mind him staying, but he decided against it at the last minute knowing that, if he did and after the conversation he’d just had with Jason, he would land up saying something that he would soon regret. The last thing he wanted was to make things awkward. Besides they were going to be with each other for the next year in a sense, he couldn’t afford to put a bridge between himself and Robbie now. And he didn’t know if he would be able to handle the rejection.

No, best to keep his feelings to himself – and Jason, it seemed.

It would be nice if Robbie did feel the same as he did, though, Mark thought as he entered his room, looking at the door to his right sadly.

…

Three days into the tour and Robbie could honestly say that he had never enjoyed touring as much as he was right now. For years he had felt almost lonely but, now that he was back with the band, he couldn’t remember feeling happier. It was great to be spending so much time with his four band mates and it was nice to be all getting along as if nothing had ever happened.

Though there was one member in particular he wanted to be spending much more time with than he’d be able to.

For some reason which Robbie couldn’t quite work out, he hadn’t seen much of Mark since the tour had started. Even when the five of them were in the dressing room he didn’t get much of a chance to talk to him. It felt like the only time he really got to see him was when they were on stage but even then Mark would usually be the other side of the stage to where he was.

It almost felt as if his friend was avoiding him.

He’d not done anything had he?

In fact, he was sure he hadn’t.

By the end of their fourth touring week, Robbie could honestly say that nothing had changed and that he was beyond confused as to why Mark had barely spoken to him for a while. He wasn’t necessarily angry with Mark, but he was becoming slightly concerned. It was rare for Mark to be like this with anyone, let alone him. As far as Robbie could recall, Mark had never really purposely avoided anyone before, which made Robbie wonder if a) Mark was in fact doing this on purpose or b) there was something he wasn’t admitting to.

Every time he saw his friend, he couldn’t quite shake the feeling that there was something up with him.

But at the same time, Robbie was battling something of his own; something that he had felt growing for months now; something which he felt whenever he was with Mark; something he was still struggling to place.

So a small part of his mind was telling him that Mark seemly avoiding him was a good thing. The majority, however, was screaming at him to find out what was up with Mark and worry about his (most likely) less important issues at a later date.

…

Heading back to the hotel after the show in the car with Gary, Robbie wondered if now was a good time to voice his concerns about Mark and maybe ask if Gary had an answer to Robbie’s own problems as well.

To hell with ‘when is a good time’, his mind told him. This needs to be sorted.

Agreeing with his conscience, Robbie turned to Gary.

“Gaz, can I ask you something?”

“Sure, what’s up?” Gary said looking at Robbie.

“Do you think Mark’s avoiding me?”

“What?” Gary asked, creasing his eyebrows.

“Do you think he’s avoiding me? He’s barely spoken to me at all since the tour started and I barely see him. I don’t know what I’ve done, but I feel like I might’ve upset him.”

“Rob, I’m sure he’s not avoiding you.” Gary replied. However, now that Robbie had mentioned it, Gary could see what Robbie was talking about. “Have you tried talking to him?”

“What do I say? I can’t exactly go up to him and accuse him of avoiding me, can I? I don’t think he’d take that very well and, if he wasn’t avoiding me before, then he sure as hell would be if I confronted him about it.”

“I’m not telling you to confront him, I’m just saying that you should talk to him.” Gary told him. “Just ask him if he’s okay.”

“Tried that, didn’t really get much of an answer.”

“Then ask him if you’ve done something to upset him. Just don’t go ambushing him or anything; that won’t get you anywhere.” Gary said. “And do it soon, yeah, it’s clearly eating you up.”

“That’s not the only thing.” Robbie said quietly.

“What do you mean?” Gary asked, having heard Robbie’s mumble.

“I dunno, it’s just, when I’m with Mark I feel funny and I can’t place my finger on what it is. I’ve never felt it before with anyone else I’ve known – just Mark. It’s been bugging me for a while now. Thought it might go away, but it hasn’t.”

“How long have you felt this way?” Gary asked, already knowing where this was heading.

“Dunno anymore. A long time, mind.” Robbie replied. Gary nodded, in a way, he had been expecting to have this conversation with Robbie at some point.

“Rob, do you what I think?” Robbie shook his head. Of course he didn’t know what Gary thought, that’s why he was talking to him about this in the first place. “I think that you already know what this means and that you are just choosing not to believe it.”

“I don’t know what this means, Gaz, I really don’t.”

“Yes you do. Robbie think about what you’re saying.” Gary said, willing for Robbie to understand. “Look, what was it you said to me before you left the band when I said that I felt something towards Dawn that I never felt with anyone else?”

“I said that you had the hots for her.”

“Right, yes. What would you say if I told you that I have felt that way for years and still feel it now only stronger?”

“I’d say that you’re still as in love with her as you were back then.”

“And how long, roughly, would you say this feeling you feel towards Mark has been there for?”

“I don’t know, years.”

“Years?”

“Yeah,”

“And you still feel the same?”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“Is that an ‘I guess’ because the feeling’s grown?”

Robbie looked down. “Yes.”

“Is it a pleasant feeling?”

“Yes.”

Gary then looked at Robbie and the younger man looked back up at him.

“You know what I’m getting at now, don’t you?” Gary said, knowing that he had finally made Robbie realise what he was talking about. Robbie just nodded. “I think you might be in love with Mark.” Gary said looking at Robbie.

Robbie merely just nodded again, getting his head round what Gary had just told him; what he himself had only just come to realise.

“And,” Gary continued. “Now knowing this and putting two and two together, I think I know why Mark might be trying to avoid you.”

Robbie looked almost startled. “He doesn’t know, does he?”

“No, but I think the reason he’s avoiding you is because he feels the same.” Gary said.

“What?” Robbie looked at Gary properly then, trying to work out what the man beside him was saying.

“I think Mark feels the same and he’s probably scared that if he blurts something out or you find out in some way then he might lose you altogether; hence why he might be avoiding you so he can prevent that from happening.” Gary explained.

“What do I do?” Robbie asked.

“Talk to him – properly.” There was a pause between the two of them, allowing Robbie to come to terms with everything, before Gary asked Robbie another question. “Rob, answer me this: I know you knew that the way you felt might land up being something like this, I could see it in your eyes but, when did you start to realise that you might be feeling something more than friendship towards Mark?”

Robbie sighed before answering. Yeah, he had known that this was always going to be the possible outcome of his feelings and Gary had been right to say that he had tried not to believe it, even trying to continue to deny it right up to a few moments ago, but trying to pinpoint the exact moment he started to realise? Well, that wasn’t exactly easy.

Then it hit him. It was obvious really, when looking at it. But the most obvious things, to Robbie, were apparently the hardest to see right now it seemed.

“I think it was when we were still out doing promotion for the record a couple of months ago. We had booked into a hotel somewhere and were due to do a couple of interviews the day after. That night there was a knock on my door in the early hours of the morning and I opened it to see that Mark was standing on the other side. He didn’t look good at all. He wanted to talk and said to me that he couldn’t do this and that he didn’t feel ready; so I let him in, knowing that he was far more important than getting a decent night’s sleep.” Robbie said, feeling bad for telling Gary this, but continuing anyway. “Anyway, he started to say that he couldn’t handle it right now and that he thought being distracted might help, but it didn’t. I told him he couldn’t give up and he asked me if it got any easier. I gave him my answer and promised things would be okay on the basis that he promised me that he wouldn’t give up when things started to get tough. Anyway, I then said he could stay the night because I knew he was in no state to go back on his own. When I woke up the next morning, I just stared down at Mark who had shifted so he was lying with his head on my shoulder. I started thinking about how nice it would be to just stay like that. It felt nice, being with him like that. We then started sharing a room from then on during that time and I even went over to his a couple of times to see if he was alright and we shared then. It was only when we started the tour that Mark said we shouldn’t really do that anymore because we aren’t a couple or anything. It hurt, kind of, what he said because I felt like I had done something wrong or been doing something he wasn’t happy with.” Robbie looked down sadly. “But yeah, I guess it was that night which kick-started this whole thing.”

“That night? Was that then the morning you told us three that Mark was feeling a bit ‘ill’?” Gary asked. Robbie nodded.

“Mark didn’t want anyone to know he’d had a breakdown. I wanted to tell you then, because I didn’t think he should have been doing the interviews that day, but made a compromise with him.”

“You should’ve told us. We had our suspicions, of course, but you should’ve said.”

“I know, but it wasn’t my place.” Robbie said. “Anyway, I think we’re here now.”

The car came to a stop and the two of them jumped out. It wasn’t long before the other car pulled in with Mark, Howard and Jason coming out not long later.

The five of them walked in near silence before reaching their floor, the only communication coming mainly from Jason and Howard talking about who had won their dance battle that evening. The answer, as per usual, was no one.

As the five of them opened their hotel room doors, Gary looked at Robbie and nodded towards Mark who was trying to find his key card in from within his pockets.

Robbie nodded reluctantly and Gary smiled at him before disappearing inside his room just after Howard and Jason had entered theirs, leaving Robbie and Mark alone in the corridor.

“Bloody card.” Mark grumbled as he checked every pocket again.

Robbie looked at him, unsure whether or not to go over to him or to just let him sort himself out.

Still not being able to find his card, Mark rested his head against his door and tried not to scream. It was clear that he was tired and the added stress of losing his key card was not helping at all.

Robbie dug into his pockets and pulled out two cards. One was his own and one was the spare to Mark’s room which Gary had apparently told the security team to let him have it. Clearly someone knew something, but Robbie wasn’t complaining now; it had given him the perfect chance to try and talk to Mark alone. Something they hadn’t had the chance to do since the night before the tour.

“Mark, take this.” Robbie said, walking over to his friend and passing him the spare card.

Mark looked at it confused before looking at Robbie with the same expression.

“Gary told security to let me have it. Don’t know why, but he did; it’s the spare to your room.” Robbie explained.

“Thanks,” Mark said quietly, taking the card off Robbie and unlocking the door.

Robbie sighed, knowing he couldn’t let Mark go into his room without at least trying to talk to him.

“Mark are you okay?” Robbie asked just before Mark had had chance to open the door fully.

“I’m fine,” Mark said, not turning around.

“Are you avoiding me?” Mark looked down in what Robbie could only describe as shame. He had then. “Why?”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“Well it does if it means you won’t even look at me.” Robbie told him.

“Robbie please, I’m tired, I just want to go to bed.”

“No Mark, I want to know what’s wrong. We were fine until a few weeks ago – what’s changed?”

“Nothing,” Mark said walking into his room and pushing the door up. Robbie, however, stopped the door before it shut completely.

“Seriously Rob, grow up.” Mark said, trying to push the door shut but wasn’t a match for Robbie’s strength.

“Says the man avoiding me.”

Mark let go of the door then, causing Robbie to almost fly into the room.

Slamming the door behind him, Mark looked at Robbie with pure anger. It actually scared Robbie, somewhat.

“I need to grow up, that’s rich coming from you. Maybe if you knew why I was avoiding you, you’d take that back.”

“Maybe I would, if I knew. But I don’t, because you won’t tell me, will you?” Robbie said, his voice rising. He was starting to tire of Mark constantly hiding things.

“Because I can’t.” Mark shot back, equally as loud.

“Can’t or won’t?”

“Fuck off.”

“Make me,”

“Just leave me alone!” Mark almost yelled at Robbie.

“What the hell has got into you?”

“You have!”

“What the hell do you mean?” Robbie said, his heart now beating slightly faster than he would have liked.

“I…I…” Mark stumbled, not knowing where to go with this. His heart was beating and this was the exact reason he had decided to stay away from his friend; in case he said too much.

“Mark, what do you mean I’ve got into you?”

“It doesn’t matter,” Mark said, trying to shake it off.

“Yes it does, because I’ve obviously done something wrong.” Robbie said.

“No, you’ve not done anything wrong, Rob.” Mark said shaking his head. He wasn’t shouting anymore, but Robbie could see Mark was worried about something. In fact, he looked close to scared.

“Mark, why won’t you tell me what’s wrong? If I’ve not done anything to hurt or upset you, then what is it?”

Mark just shook his head, hoping Robbie might stop trying to get him to talk.

It didn’t work.

“Mark,”

“Please Rob, now isn’t the time.”

“Something’s bothering you and I’m not letting you go to sleep with the weight still on your shoulders.”

Again Mark just shook his head.

“Marky,” Robbie tried. “This can’t go on, you’re going to have to learn to stop hiding from people and start telling them how you feel. You can’t go your whole life not letting anyone ----“

Robbie was cut short by the sudden feel of Mark’s lips upon his. It was over almost as soon as it had begun, with Mark pulling away after merely a couple of seconds, leaving Robbie startled.

“---- know how you feel.” Robbie finished, looking directly at Mark who was stood away from his with his head lowered so his eyes gazed at the floor below. “Mark, what the hell was that for?”

“I’m sorry, please don’t be angry with me.” Mark rushed. He looked so small and vulnerable then and Robbie felt his heart ache.

“Hey,” Robbie said gently, walking up to him, putting a hand on his shoulder. Mark jerked from the contact. “Hey, what’s wrong?” Robbie asked, slowly putting his fingers beneath Mark’s chin and lifting his head to face him.

“I’m sorry, I don’t know what I was thinking…”

“Shh, it’s okay, I’m not angry with you, Mark.” Robbie said gently, looking into Mark’s eyes.

“You’re not?”

Robbie shook his head, his fingers still ghosting under Mark’s chin as he used his free hand to run through Mark’s hair.

Mark lent into the touch and closed his eyes, only opening them when he could no longer feel anything.

“Rob,” Mark almost whispered. Without meaning to do so (consciously, at least), it sounded like a plea which Robbie responded to by cupping Mark’s chin and lifting his head up at an angle before reaching down and pressing his lips, gently, on to Mark’s.

He was about to pull away when Mark suddenly responding, wrapping his arms around Robbie’s neck, pulling him closer.

Wrapping his own arms around Mark, Robbie smiled into their kiss as it deepened.

All too soon, they pulled apart, though their foreheads were still touching. Clearly neither were yet ready to lose contact with the other altogether.

“What was that for?” Mark asked, breathlessly.

“Because if I’ve learnt anything over the last few hours it’s this: I bloody love you, Mark Owen.” Robbie replied with a smile. “Only come to terms with it myself in the last hour and I was reluctant to tell you. But I need you to know how I feel. And, if you don’t feel the same then, well, I’ll be okay.”

“You think I’d kiss you back like that if I didn’t feel the same?” Mark asked.

“Heat of the moment?”

“Why do you think I was avoiding you, Rob?”

“’Cos you hate me?” Robbie joked. Mark gave a laugh.

“No you fool. I was avoiding you because I love you and was scared that, if you found out, I’d lose you because you wouldn’t feel the same.”

“Tell you what, that Barlow’s good, in’ he?”

Mark looked at Robbie confused.

“Hey?”

“On our way here, I was talking to Gary and he made me realise how it was I really felt and also said that the reason you were avoiding me was because you felt the same. I didn’t believe him.” Robbie explained with a smile.

“Well he was right.” Mark said smiling back.

“I know. Guess I should probably thank him, huh?”

“Yeah, you should.”

“Not right now, though, eh?”

“Oh no,”

“Good,”

With that Robbie kissed Mark again. Mark responded eagerly as he pulled Robbie down towards him.

They were so preoccupied with what they were doing that Mark gave out a sudden gasp in surprise as he found himself falling backwards on to the bed.

Robbie giggled but continued to kiss him…

Eventually they were both lying on the bed, facing one another. Robbie run a hand through Mark’s matted hair to which Mark closed his eyes and smiled contently.

“I love you,” Robbie whispered pressing a kiss to Mark’s forehead. “I really do, Mark. And I’m so glad you decided to knock on my door that night, y’know?”

“Why cos I was a complete mess?”

“No, although I’m glad you came because of that,” Robbie said. “What I meant was, I’m glad you came because it meant I started to realise just how much I love you.”

Mark smiled. “I’m glad you let me in that night and let me stay. Made me, too, realise that I’m in love with you. Thank you.” He then cuddled up to Robbie, resting his head on Robbie’s chest and wrapping his arm around his waist.

“I love you,” Mark whispered, closing his eyes.

“I love you, too, Mark.” Robbie whispered back, wrapping his arms around him and kissing the top of his head gently before, too, closing his eyes.

Robbie knew then, in the moments before he fell asleep, that the rest of this tour was going to be the best ever. Not only was he touring again with his four best mates, but he was also touring with the one person who truly made the words ‘I love you’ seem meaningful. And the best thing was, Mark felt the same.

Never in his life had Robbie been so grateful to have been awoken in the early hours of the morning by his best friend – his lover – knocking at his door. If only he’d’ve done it many years ago.


End file.
